I stepped on the scale this morning and realized that I am one pound away from being in a new weight decade. Well, of course I'll bounce back up before I go down. That's just how Lady Weight Loss does her thing. But it's just around the bend. And you know what that means, F.J. We're approaching Salina. What does approaching Salina mean, other than being a killer hipster band name (check out my easy Hipster Band Name Creator here.)? I'll explain...
When I was a kid, we would take regular trips to see my grandparents in Utah. At the beginning of these trips, I would be wide-eyed and buzzing on Twizzlers and Pringles, promising myself to soak in every moment of scenery on the road. And without fail, a little more than halfway there, I would pass out. When I would wake up, I'd ask 'What'd I miss?' I kid you not, the answer I got every stinking time was 'we just passed Salina.' Now, mind you Salina, UT is no great landmark. I'm pretty sure my dad just meant we passed the exit for Salina and not the town itself. But it grew to be this mysterious land that I would never get to see because my little kid brain would tap out under the pressure of twelve pounds of sugar, artificial coloring, and good old fashioned excitement.
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| Salina...the land where dreams come true. |
What on earth does this have to do with weight loss you ask? Well, this number I am about to see--and thirty of its closest friends in descending order--are numbers that I have never seen on the scale. Because I fell asleep and passed them. This is where the story gets tough, F.J. But we need to barrel through and get stronger because of it.
What was I doing when I missed those numbers? I was getting married to my now ex-husband, ditching my college education, being lied to, being lied about, becoming a terrible friend, sister and daughter. I was dealing with hopelessness, anger, and rage. I was mourning the loss of dreams, and wandering aimlessly from one goal to another. The truth is, I spent the early part of my twenties in a spiral of loss, failure, and disappointment. It's okay to cry, F.J. I am weeping as I type this, because I can only count on one hand the people I have confided in about this terrible time in my life. And though it's hard to publicize, it's a necessary step in the process of doing something that I haven't done yet. You see, Fat Jesse. I forgave my ex a long time ago. I have reconciled with a lot of the family and friends that I hurt during those tough years. But the one thing I haven't done is forgive myself.
Now, as I approach Salina, I realize that the time has come for me to stay awake and face down the things that have stolen my worth for far too long. I am worthy of new dreams. I am ready for a fresh start. And I forgive myself. And now I offer you a promise, Fat Jesse. In exactly thirty pounds, I will hop in my car, drive to Salina and take a picture of myself there. And, because I'm driving, there will be no way I will fall asleep on the way there.
Terrifyingly Vulnerable,
New Jesse, -15 lbs
Image: Nathan Greenwood / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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