Weight Loss Lessons from Made-for-TV Christmas Movies

Dear Fat Jesse,

It's that time of year again! (I think that's what you are legally required to say at the beginning of any holiday correspondence, right?) The traffic is insane. Shoppers are getting a little more pushy by the hour. And food seems to be falling into my lap as if it were on a schedule. There's food in the mail, being sent home with my husband from work, and we haven't even gotten to the actual Christmas festivities that are sure to bring the debauchery of my mom's famous recipes. What is a fat girl to do? I'm trying to lose weight here, and being reminded every minute of just why people "start  after the new year". The holidays are so food-centric, it seems almost inevitable that I will walk away from them with the gift of twenty new pounds.

Here's the thing, Fat Jesse. Christmas comes every year, and I have to learn to live with it and not lose my progress every single year. Because we all know that once New Jesse loses progress, the snowball turns into an avalanche. How does one do that? I believe we have to focus on the non-food elements of what makes Christmas great and tenaciously enjoy them. We don't get any snow here in the desert, so forget about that. I'm not a huge shopper and get little joy out of elbowing old ladies for that last turtleneck. No, Fat Jesse, my favorite part of Christmas (that I can't eat)....is the movies.

Every year, I eagerly await the arrival of the classics. Frosty, Rudolph, Ralphie. But what I really can't get enough of...what makes my heart sing with Christmas cheer? That, my friend, would be the cheesy Christmas movies that have been specially created for our favorite lower-tier cable networks. To me, nothing speaks louder of Christmas giving than letting Tori Spelling have a job for the holidays. And you know what, F.J.? I've figured out that they can pretty much be reduced to one of  five formulas. What's more, they can actually help me to stop being fat if I really listen with my heart.

#1- The Fresh Take (But Not Really) On "A Christmas Carol"

When I'm not analyzing the philosophical merits of low-budget movies, I often imagine long-dead authors coming back and seeing what we've chosen to do with their works. I'm pretty sure Charles Dickens would cry a single glistening tear and nod dramatically after seeing how darn creative we've gotten with his classic tale of redemption. He would probably kick himself for not writing Scrooge as a high-powered female executive who just needs to be reunited with her high school boyfriend. Add to the mixture about a thousand ways to interpret the ghosts of past, present, and future and you've got yourself some television gold. And, oh yeah, a lesson on life.

A Christmas Carol Weight Loss Lesson: Don't lose track of your life to the point where you wake up one day and need three zany ghosts to take you on an overnight journey to get back to yourself. Stay in tune with where you are, and you'll get more sleep at night.

#2- The Alternate Reality/What If?

Not to be confused with the Christmas Carol formula, in which one gets to see what has already/will happen, the alternate reality explores a whole new world of possibilities....for high-powered female executives, mostly. Still, whether a female exec or an exasperated stay-at-home mom, the main character gets to see a day in the life of the person they would have become had they just taken the "other route". Now, the made-for-television novice must understand that they are only watching this type of film if there is some sort of vehicle that brought the main character to their alternate reality. That rookie stuff where you find out the person is dreaming? No way. The only way you're watching a true alternate reality flick is if the person crawled into a dryer or wished on a total eclipse and...this is the key...can't get out without figuring out an important lesson.

The Alternate Reality Weight Loss Lesson: Most of these movies end with the protagonist appreciating exactly where they were in the first place and wanting to go right back to it. A true lesson in "the grass ain't always greener," a weight loser has a better future ahead if they stop mourning over unmet goals and appreciates what they do have. Oh, and don't wish on shooting stars unless you've made prior arrangements with your boss for some vacation time.

#3- The Repeating Day

Back in the day, we saw Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, a story of a man being trapped living the same day over and over until he successfully reformed his ways. Lucky for Bill, he is not long-dead and can easily see the level of awesome this idea has reached in the form of television Christmas movies. No one has ever found out who is calling the shots on whether someone gets stuck repeating a bad day, but it seems to be brought on by small stimuli: a spray of perfume, a snowball to the head, etc. All we know is that there is a huge life lesson here.

The Repeating Day Weight Loss Lesson: It's all about the small things. Your day won't be hijacked and repeated because you burned down an entire village (that will just land you in prison). It's because you forgot to be kind to your kids, didn't see the big picture, or didn't give someone a chance. Make subtle, but lasting, changes in your habits and you'll get to see tomorrow.

#4- The Magical Mannequin

Apparently the world is so short of decent people that we somehow find solace in the fact that mannequins can just come to life and fill our needs. Dad feeling a little lonely and you need a mom for the holidays? Tired of dating scumbags? Just visit your local department store and find the (always temporary) cure. Fair warning goes to those who seek shelter with the inanimate culture, though. They have a tendency to be naive and may accidentally burn down your Christmas tree. Yet, throughout their goofy, empty-headed antics, they provide a lesson.

The Magical Mannequin Weight Loss Lesson: Flaws can actually be what make us beautiful, unique, and lead to a better version of ourselves. Never discount yourself or others because of imperfections.

#5- The "Save the Town"

I will never be able to live in a small town, because of a little-known fact about their governing entities. Did you know that anytime one of their businesses are closed down, it takes place on Christmas Eve? Those fat cats on town council always shut down lollipop plants, shopping malls, and toy factories on the day before Christmas! It's a good thing that big city reporters, adorable kids, and jolly men that turn out to be the REAL Santa Claus blow into town to fix things before it's too late, because that's just terrible. The best part of these movies is that justice always prevails within the ninety minute time slot. The business goes to its rightful owner, and the two lovable kids that rallied to save it usually find a  new mom in the big city reporter (which will save them a lot of heartache in looking for an attractive mannequin).

The "Save the Town" Weight Loss Lesson: Fight for what you know is yours. You may not achieve justice for yourself as quickly as the friendly folks of Christmastown, U.S.A., but it will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Honorable Mentions: Movies That Have No Lesson, but to Leave Them Out Would Be Absurd

The Unattached Nanny/The Matchmaking Kids- Two precocious children (always two...why?) scheme to set up their nanny with their overworked single parent. Also popular...two precocious children working to reunite their estranged parents.

The "I Believe"- The always-classic tale of cynical people rediscovering their faith in Santa Claus and the Christmas spirit....mainly because he appears right in front of their faces and does magic. Which doesn't really take a lot of faith at all.

The Hired Mate- Stories of people with parents so critical that they feel compelled to hire an actor to take home for the holidays to pose as their mate. The more extreme version of this story involves outright kidnapping.

Well, there you have it, Fat Jesse. More than five reasons to love Christmas that have nothing to do with food. You are one lucky gal, F.J. Merry Christmas!

Predictably plotted,
New Jesse, -5 lbs

Step 12: Do-Over

Dear Fat Jesse,

I'm not going to pretend to apologize for not writing. I won't give you excuses as to why I couldn't sit down and have a few moments with you. The truth is that I quit. For weeks, I just quit. Over the summer, these letters died down and I subsequently lost all focus on just how powerful a force you are in my life. I forgot that you're like a needy German Shepherd puppy and, after weeks of neglect, you are prone to break loose and do some serious damage to my body. It was just last night that I opened the door to find that you had knocked over trash cans, shredded paper, and left smelly paw prints all over the walls. Let me explain...

My husband's company has this lovely program that requires all employees to complete a bio-metric screening and annual physical in order to keep their current insurance premium rates. We did overhear one employee asking the clinic staff if he could get in for a "bionic" screening, which I can only assume is when one is inspected for robotic parts. A "bio-metric" screening, however, is simply taking weight, height, cholesterol, blood glucose, and waist circumference. If any problems are found, you are referred for further action that will help you to get those things under control. I have to tell you that I went into this appointment with a lot of grief, Fat Jesse. Why? Because this was supposed to be my checkered flag.

You see, when my husband and I started our weight loss journey, we determined that we could be done by November and that we wanted to WOW our doctor at this year's screening. Instead, I walked in with all (yes, all) of the weight back on and a larger waist than I had started with. Luckily, my cholesterol and glucose looked great, but it didn't get me off the hook for being a huge diabetes risk by my size alone. My husband, although he hadn't gained back much, displayed a shocking blood pressure that will land him in the cardiologist's office ASAP. As we topped off our appointment by giving the laundry list of family illnesses we may have waiting for us, I grew very angry with where we have ended up as a couple. I wept on the way home, envisioning our children living without one or both parents before their tenth birthdays.

That feeling stayed with me all morning. Until I got this in a random e-mail from my hubby.

You remember Salina, don't you, F.J.? It was my middle-of-the-road goal that was supposed to let me know that I had finally conquered that blurry chunk of unhealthy years that put me where I am today. I don't know what the hubs even meant when he sent this to me, and I haven't asked yet. He might have just been fooling around with Google Maps for all I know. But to me, it means the world. It was like a cold bucket of water in the face, waking me up to how capable I am for change. It made me go back and read through where you and I had been together, Fat Jesse. Through 11 steps on this blog, and some side observations, I took off almost thirty pounds. Where did that girl go?

You know what? She didn't go anywhere. I am that girl, and I don't think I should ever let myself forget that again. Anyone who has done this-- lost tons of weight and put it back on-- will understand what I am saying. It's so easy to create caricatures of ourselves and pit them against each other: Girl who Lost Weight and Felt Awesome vs. Girl Who Failed and Can't Keep it Off. I now believe that when we compartmentalize ourselves like that...when we demonize the parts of us that slip up...it's nearly impossible to start over! When we look at our "thin pictures" as if they are someone different, who is capable of different things...where does that leave us?

So, Fat Jesse, here is the new deal. I am empowering myself to make the rules on when and how I get to start over. Do you remember when we were kids on the playground and there was that unspoken, arbitrary code on when someone got to call a "do-over"? If you missed the tether ball because your shoe was untied? Do-over. You didn't like the way that ball hit square number two? Do-over, please. As usual, kids are onto something. They possess the confidence and give themselves the grace to just say, "Hey, that wasn't the way I intended it to happen. Just gonna try again."

I'm not saying that this won't suck, F.J. There is nothing worse than watching the scale go down by way of numbers you just passed. Oh, wait. There is something worse. That would be doing nothing because you messed up.

Calling a Do-Over,
New Jesse, -0 pounds

Robotic Arm Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Lost Years

Dear Fat Jesse,

I know, I know. We haven't spoken in weeks. Okay, so I haven't spoken to you in weeks. Please stop trembling and come out of that corner. I'm sure that by now you're assuming that I've put on a hundred pounds, have resigned to my bed full time, and eat Cheetos out of my shirt all day. But I assure you that my weight loss journey, although a little slower these days, still carries on.

I understand that I owe you some catching up, F.J. After all, in blogger/inner fat self time, two months actually equals many years. We will forever refer to this lull in communication as our Lost Years. They are our deleted scenes, as no one will really know how things went down in this period of our weight loss.

Yes, Fat Jesse, I could drone on and on about how awesome and busy life has been and shower you with tales of why these letters have stopped for a time. But that would be lies. The simple truth is that I got sick of talking about losing weight. Yep. That's it. Sick of talking about it. I suspect that anyone who has ever set out to lose this much weight would likely go through the same thing: a time when they don't feel very inspired or inspiring to others. It can come after a failed attempt at an intense fitness commitment (P90X, anyone?) or shame from a major cheat day. Whatever the cause, what I want us to remember, F.J., is that there is no shame in keeping things personal for a while (remember our friend, Ariel?) until you figure out, once again, that you are awesome and capable of anything!

So what did I do during our Lost Years, you ask? Well, I've created a storyboard to give you a few highlights. As you will see, in addition to being a gifted scientist and German linguist, I am also an undiscovered artist. I felt it only appropriate to display our deleted scenes in this way. So, without further ado, I give you....

DEAR FAT JESSE: The Lost Years


Storyboard One: New Jesse Tries a New Jillian Michaels DVD


After my failed attempted at P90X, I decided to give Jillian 20 minutes of my day. Her gentle and encouraging style lifted my spirits beyond measure. Yes, that's the Grim Reaper, in case you were wondering.

(Dramatization)

Storyboard Two: New Jesse Goes to a Birthday Party


At my nephew's party, I ate so many hot wings that chickens everywhere trembled in fear. I'm pretty sure you were there, Fat Jesse. This was only a sliver of a three week long bender, in which I ran around screaming, "Junk food," like Animal from The Muppets.

(Dramatization)

Storyboard Three: New Jesse Tries Group Fitness


A huge bout of Fitness Boredom Syndrome led to finally giving group fitness classes a try. Not only were they completely Fat friendly, they were a ton of fun. Well, most of them. But more on that later.

(Dramatization)

As you can see, Fat Jesse, I was NOT eating Cheetos out of my shirt for two months. I had some ups and some downs, experienced boredom, and eventually got my mojo back. Now...you're going to wish I never came back. Because this, F.J., is crunch time. We're going to work our tail off and live to tell about it.

*No stick figures were harmed in the writing of this blog. "Stella" the Stick Figure is a fictional character and is in no way meant to represent New Jesse's current body composition. Super cute houndstooth/toile paper provided courtesy of Jesse's husband.

Artistically Yours,
New Jesse, -27 lbs

Step 11: Make Up Your Mind...Then Change It Over and Over

Dear Fat Jesse,

In my first letter to you, I talked about how losing weight is a public struggle. Each time I've logged in to talk to you, I have faced the challenge of remaining authentic with an audience reading my every step. I never wanted this forum to be about neatly juxtaposed before and after pictures or shallow tips that you can find anywhere on the internet. I opened up this personal journal to talk about how messy and unpredictable this road can be. And that's what I'm going to do.

I love P90X, Fat Jesse. The variety paired with structure, the intensity I had been craving after weeks of boredom with workouts, and the feeling of accomplishment. I stand by everything I said in my review. But I can't do it anymore. Now, before you throw that pull-up bar in the trash, F.J., let me explain why.

I can guarantee that there will be at least 2.7 people who read this and chuckle to themselves about my inability to "bring it" or question my commitment. They can direct any questions or comments to flyingleap@dearfatjesse.com. No, Fat Jesse, my decision to stop P90X is because of my commitment to being healthy, and I felt like I was putting another area of my health in jeopardy while doing it.

You see, I am a nursing mother. Under normal circumstances, a nursing mother is feeding her child every two to three hours and burning up to 500 calories a day. But since my daughter seems to have a wild combination of early teething and severe separation anxiety, I spend about 45 minutes out of every hour of the day in feeding mode. When I started P90X, I figured I could just up my calories and everything would be fine. That was not the case. Going into week two, I felt weak, the scale stopped budging, and I even suspect my milk supply was affected. I did some research, and made the decision that it was time to stop until I talk to my doctor next month. Maybe he'll give me the go-ahead to drink the meal replacement shakes that so many P90X'ers rely on. Maybe I can start the program again when my daughter is on solid foods and no longer relies on me. The only thing I know is that I only have six more months of this time with my child and a lifetime to do P90X.

Surprisingly, my announcement of the decision to stop a workout program is not the point of this letter, Fat Jesse. It's about the next step in our journey: allowing ourselves the freedom to change our mind. I see so much discouragement in those who are trying to lose weight. We "join" this and we "start" that and, when we fail, it sends us into a tailspin. Why? Because, like I've said a hundred times, it's public. Not everyone is as insane as I am, posting their failures on a blog. But they know what it's like to hear someone ask how they're doing on So and So's Newfangled Diet, only to have to explain why they stopped.

So, I submit for your approval, Fat Jesse, that there is only one major thing that we should have to make up our mind about and that is the decision to get healthy. We should make up our mind to eat less, eat better, and to move our bodies with activity. After that, it should be a series of fill in the blanks. One of the best things I heard part of the way into this whole weight loss bit was a very fit person telling me, "It doesn't matter what you do to exercise, as long as you do something."

For every person who went vegetarian and realized they can't live without meat...For every person who took a spin class and hated it...And for every single person who has lived through the experience of scrapping healthy living altogether, because they were embarrassed about a perceived failure....

CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Don't quit. Make up your mind to get healthy. And then fight for your your right to change your mind about how. Just keep going. I know I will.

Still Bringing It,
New Jesse, +1 lb

Review: A Fat Chick's Week with P90X

Dear Fat Jesse,

Remember that slump we talked about last week? Well, it got me thinking about what I could do for a new workout routine. One day, I was venting to my husband about what I wanted it to look like.....I wish I had a routine that had something different for every day of the week, working different parts of the body. But I don't want to just do boring weight lifting at the gym anymore. I want to do yoga and martial arts too...I combed through my gym's workout class schedule, only to find that there was no way I could find the time to take a class every day. My husband looked me square in the face and said the worst thing I'd ever heard. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're talking about P90X.

Now, let's back up here and explain why that's about the worst thing you could say to me, Fat Jesse. Before I had my second baby, I got P90X with every intention of doing it. I previewed the workouts, got terrified, and did the whole let's start Monday gig. That week, I got a surprise in the form of two red lines on a dollar store pregnancy test that my friend brought over as a joke. Ha...ha. So no P90X for me. Since then, everyone we know has done P90X. Let me rephrase that. Eh-heh-heh-heh-hevryone. All of our friends are walking around with chiseled muscles and crossing their arms in an X-pose at inappropriate times.  Note to P90X'ers...it's not okay to pose that way at your grandmother's funeral, no matter how much you thought she knew how to bring it with her snickerdoodle recipe.

So basically, three things were keeping me from trying this workout. Hype aversion, fear, and plain old Haterade. I have a tendency to avoid anything that's painfully popular, which is insane. Avoiding something because a lot of people like it is just as dumb as liking something because everyone likes it. Then I was afraid that I couldn't do the workouts because they looked ridiculously hard. And if I couldn't, there was an Adonis army on every corner of Facebook waiting to remind me that I was a wimp. Ooh, wait! Is that what the X pose means? I can do this, but you can't! Maybe...

Even after fessing up to my internal issues about P90X, there was still a nagging doubt in my mind. I had never seen a large person in before and after pictures. Most success stories I saw went like this: Greg had ballooned up to a grotesque 180 lbs and felt like a change....It was then that Suzy realized she was not bikini ready and decided it was time to shed those last five pounds...I mean, God bless those people. Unhappy is unhappy and they have a right to make a change. But I have seventy pounds left to lose, and I'm afraid Tony Horton might just kill me. So what do I do? I try Power 90, the predecessor to P90X. The little caterpillar before the giant x-shaped butterfly. And it's too easy for me. So last Tuesday, Fat Jesse, I faced the music and dragged my large behind in front of our TV-- in a good way this time--and let Tony Horton beat the living daylights out of me. Here are my honest thoughts for the people out there who have a little spark of maybe I could do this in the back of their mind.

First, a little overview. P90X has three programs: Classic, Lean, and Doubles. I'm not a P90X-pert, so I'm not at liberty to say which is best for anyone. But I do know that Classic is for those who want to build muscle, Lean is for those who want to slim down and burn fat, and Doubles is for those who are suicidal. I'm doing the Lean program. Each week consists of six pre-determined workouts, and one rest/stretch day. The workout schedule changes on certain weeks to employ the principle of 'muscle confusion.' Here's what I thought of my first week, in pro/con form...

Pros

-Tony is a great trainer. Anyone who has done workout DVD's knows that you have a 50/50 shot of hating the person talking to you from the screen. Not the case here. He's likable, a little sarcastic, and  refreshingly honest. No peppy aerobics instructors in this program, doing everything with ease while you die on the inside. If an exercise is tough, he'll look you right in the eye and tell you.

-Modification is always an option. Other than the rare occasion when he says that everyone must do ___ amount of reps, he is very focused on allowing you to start at your level, set goals that will challenge you, and work at your own pace. I was pleasantly surprised by this fact.

-The workout schedule is laid out perfectly. I'm not going to lie, there were days that I would wake up and wonder how on earth I was going to complete my next workout with how sore I was. But I would do it anyway, only to find that I was challenging a completely different set of muscles and letting the ones I murdered the previous day take a little rest. On top of that, a workout never starts without generous time for feel-good stretching.

-Mr. Horton has brought yoga into the mainstream as a killer workout for men. I know, I know...what does this have to do with me, a woman? Well, for years I have sung the praises of yoga as a great way to build strength. And I've watched men turn up their noses at it as a woman's thing. When I see Tony Horton give yoga the credit for why he's still rockin' into his fifties, it builds his credibility as a fitness guru in my eyes. Oh, and the 90 minutes of Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga he puts you through? Do it and try to tell me it's sissy stuff.

-It's fun and instantly rewarding. Even the resistance training feels like fun choreography that you can master. Everyone likes variety and this program definitely delivers it. The most rewarding part is being able to do an exercise two days after you thought you would die trying. (See: Ab Ripper X)

Cons


-It takes a lot of equipment for an in-home workout. And once you get the equipment you think you'll like, it takes trial and error to realize you want something different. Your dumbbells will be too light or too heavy, resistance bands will fail when you need them the most, but you'll want to use them instead of other things on certain exercises. The necessity of a yoga mat and what type will come into question several times. Anyone starting this program should be prepared to take the equipment thing in stride for the first week. It takes time to figure it out.

-The camera man can go wrong every once in a while. You may miss Tony's feet when you really should have seen them and will do something wrong for a couple reps. I guess that's the beauty of it being a DVD. There's always rewind and pause. I found myself dumbfounded and staring at the screen many times this week while I learned all the moves. And I'm okay with that. I have three months to master it.

-It is a time commitment. This is no 30 minute-per-day investment. Be prepared to devote 90 minutes to working out, six days per week. Not all of the workouts are that long, but it takes a while to get your equipment together, especially if you have to hide it from your kids between workouts like I do. I can say with all honestly that I never feel tortured with the length of the workouts. Time flies.

-Tony can be a Pluggy McPluggerson in certain workouts. He has great products, and he wants everyone to know about them. It's obvious, but it never distracts from the workout.

-Weight loss will slow down initially. First, because of muscle build. Second, because our bodies are programmed to prevent starvation. My body doesn't know that I look terrible in jeans. All it knows is that I have maintained a certain weight to live for a long time, and wants to keep that weight. When calories are too low, the body will hold onto fat as a defense mechanism. It's important for anyone working out this much to actually increase calories in the right way and find that balance that will allow the body to let fat stores go. I know that's a mouthful. Bottom line: work out more...eat more. It's a tough concept for a person trying to lose weight, but it's the truth.

So would I recommend P90X to my fellow obese friends out there, Fat Jesse? I think I would, especially those who are familiar with exercise in some way. I know that, for months, I have tried to keep up the variety and challenge and it's tough. Here's a program that gives you everything you need for both. Sure, it takes a monetary and time investment. It leaves you sore, sweaty, and wondering if you'll every be able to accomplish all the moves in any given workout. But the best thing about P90X, F.J., is that it makes you want to try!

Thinking of more X puns,
New Jesse, +1 pound (of pure muscle)

5 Foods That Make Me Feel Like a Five Year Old

Dear Fat Jesse,

Since I've started writing to you, I have had some of the best conversations of my life with people that know where I'm coming from. We've talked about our pitfalls, annoyances, and barriers that keep us from pushing on at times. One common thread with many of these people is the fact that they have no idea where to start when it comes to eating healthy, because they simply never learned. I fear that when I tell people I subscribe to a vegan diet, they may mistake me for someone who spends my day in the kitchen making glorious creations out of fresh vegetables and tofu. The truth is, both my husband and I have had to overcome a huge mental block against almost all healthy foods to get where we are now. Just two months ago, we were like little five year olds, who only enjoyed macaroni and cheese and pizza. And our favorite was when the kind people at CiCi's Pizza brilliantly put them together. So, without further ado, here are just a few of the foods that I grew up hating, but have found a way to get around on the path to being healthier.

#1: Cottage Cheese

Seriously, what is the deal with this disgusting stuff? I would like to create a group of renegades called the Texture Police to go after whoever woke up one morning and decided to pass this slime off as food. Sometime in the 1980's, another anarchist in a shack somewhere started spreading the word that cottage cheese was the foundation of any healthy diet. I watched my mom mix it with tomatoes and pepper one day, and then saw her put pineapple in it the next. That kind of inconsistency doesn't belong in politics, and it sure doesn't belong in my kitchen! So, cottage cheese, what is it? Do you go with vegetables or do you go with fruit? That's what I thought....you don't know.

Try instead: Greek Yogurt. I don't do dairy anymore, but if I could, this stuff is awesome. More protein than yogurt, fewer calories, and not a wishy-washy dirtbag like cottage cheese.

#2: Canned Vegetables

I don't think I tasted a fresh pea until my mid-twenties, Fat Jesse. That is because the first time I tried a pea, it was from a can and from then on it was, "I don't like peas." In fact, a lot of the veggies I grew up on were from a can. That was just the way moms decided to get veggies on the table for ten people back then. The other alternative was boiling or microwaving frozen veggies, but those don't turn out much better than canned. Mr. Scientist Man has even reached out from his lab to tell us that we basically strip the nutrient value from veggies by cooking them that way anyway. So we're torturing our kids with mushy vegetables for no reason at all.

Try instead: Frozen veggies + Ziploc steamer bags = yummy vegetables that kids and kid-like grown ups enjoy side-by-side. Now, if anyone wants to steam the old fashioned way and avoid the extra cost of Ziploc bags, more power to them. There are even reusable products that will steam veggies in the microwave. The point is that no one should say they hate vegetables until they've tried them steamed instead of canned/boiled/microwaved. It sure changed my mind.

#3: Tofu

Ah, my old foe. Tofu and I have been in a ten year battle and he wins every time. My mother is the best cook in the world. She can take flour and water and make magic. But when she tried to make tofu, it wasn't pretty. I've read every tip on the internet....buy it firm and dry it well. No, buy it soft and scramble it. Jump up and down while it's cooking for good luck. I've tried making it like a breaded "mozzarella stick", using it in stir-fry, marinating it. Always...disgusting. I know I'm going to get a flood of suggestions about how to really make good tofu after I publish this. Those people can send them to lightbulb@dearfatjesse.com. But let me warn you... I'm so jaded by my attempts to make good tofu, that I've become the bad boy that no one can change no matter how hard they try. I should get a leather jacket.

Try instead: Tempeh. It has more protein and fiber than tofu and is less processed. This isn't just for us hippy vegans either. Anyone can benefit from replacing a couple meat-based meals with tempeh a couple times a week. I like to buy it pre-marinated, and my favorite brand looks like this. It comes in pre-cut strips that you brown for two minutes and it goes perfectly with rice, cous cous, or quinoa. It has the consistency of a really thick piece of bacon and hey, they even make it in a bacon flavor.

#4: Iceberg Lettuce

Let's face it. Iceburg lettuce makes us feel insecure. It ruins first dates. And it has no taste. Oh, you think I'm exaggerating? Really think about it, F.J. You're on a first date, and you order the salad to make yourself look dainty and not-that-hungry. But what you get is a plate full of jawbreaker sized leaves that catapult salad dressing out of the corners of your mouth if you're not careful...and crunch louder than a spoon in a garbage disposal. What do you do? Slice up your salad with a knife for twenty minutes before you dig in? It's then that you realize you would look more dainty if you just ordered a can of Pringles and shoved them in your mouth forty at a time. Fat Jesse, I blame iceberg lettuce for the reason most people say they hate salad.

Try Instead: Shredded iceberg or pretty much anything else. I hated salad until someone made me try a Caesar salad with Romaine lettuce. Romaine was great and made me try arugula, spinach, radicchio...the list goes on. Grocery stores have tons of mixes that can expose salad haters to better tasting options. Now, for a taco salad, there is nothing better than shredded iceberg lettuce. It's cheap, doesn't ruin your love life, and you basically burn the calories that are in it by simply chewing it. The hubs and I enjoy a gigantic vegan taco salad on those nights when we want to feel like total pigs, but don't want to pay for it the next day.

#5: Tuna

Am I the only kid that would open her lunch box and groan when I discovered that I had a tuna sandwich for lunch? Probably not. In fact, my hubby has such a strong aversion to tuna that I worry about whether or not he was actually attacked by a tuna fish as a child and doesn't have the strength to talk about it. Until I was old enough to buy my own groceries, I agreed with him. Tuna can be mushy, smell horrible, and is most commonly served in globs of mayonnaise.

Try instead: Much like 3 out of the other 4 foods I've talked about on this list (yeah, keep walkin' cottage cheese), I simply needed to experience a different type of tuna to realize that it's actually very good. I grew up on chunk light tuna in oil. I gag a little when I say oil, by the way. But now that I have tried chunk white Albacore, I am in love. White tuna is more firm like chicken, doesn't have a nauseating fish smell, and can be eaten without all the mayo on salads and in rice. Best of all, it's pretty darn good for you. In fact, tuna is one of the only occasional exceptions I make to my vegan diet. I like to buy it in the foil pouches that come in different flavors like lemon pepper or teriyaki.

So, there you have it, Fat Jesse. We all have our foods that we've hated since childhood that can actually keep us from experimenting with anything new at all. But with a little creativity, a lot of bravery, and a resolve to retrain the brain to want good things, it gets a little easier every day.

Adventurously yours,
New Jesse, -20 lbs

Step 10: Treat Thyself

Dear Fat Jesse,

Today is big. It's our tenth step in the right direction together. It's been exactly two months since we started this weight loss gig. And I am exactly twenty pounds lighter. I feel like we should treat ourselves for all our hard work. The only problem? I don't know how to treat myself to something that doesn't end up on my waistline. This is a dimension to emotional eating that is rarely talked about, so I'm going to talk about it. We hear about eating your feelings or stress eating...even eating out of boredom. But some of us have a nasty habit of making food a reward in everyday life. This is actually a huge part of American culture if you think about it. We give our kids jelly beans to go potty, tell them they can have dessert if they finish their dinner plate, and make them their favorite meal for their birthday. For those kids who have great genes, or are more on the active side into their adult years, this doesn't become an issue. But some kids who grow up like this become adults like me. I blame this...

Oh, the irony!

Call it a cure or call it a side effect, but now that I no longer give in to my addictions to terribly unhealthy foods, I have no idea how to indulge myself in something that I enjoy. My go-to for my entire life has been something salty/crunchy/sweet to make life a little more special. Finals week in college was usually chock-full of trips to the local pizza place as a reward. Every major holiday in my family has a food that is synonymous with the celebration. If being a food addict wasn't enough to make treating myself difficult, there's another wrench in the works.

I'm a mom.

Let me tell you something, Fat Jesse. When you have children at any age, your 'me time' is almost non-existent. But when you have two in diapers and one is still nursing, you don't even have time to spell the word 'me'. My idea of a treat these days is taking a shower without my daughter pressing her face against the space under the door and screaming bloody murder for me, despite the fact that her dad is right there (the same dad she wants to call twenty times a day when he isn't here). In fact, these letters I write to you can only be accomplished over the course of days, and with the help of a very annoying Mexican pre-schooler who shouts repetitive instructions from a map. Yes, with the help of a Boppy pillow for the baby's meal time and a couple episodes of Dora the Explorer, I can have a little time to get in touch with my inner fat chick. Not much else though, F.J.

Where are her parents?! Probably blogging.

So I've decided to create my own Treat Alphabet. It will will be my new go-to for things that I can do to de-stress, celebrate, and unwind in this crazy world. I'm going to retrain my brain to see fun in everyday experiences--things that are always available and cost practically nothing.  As you may notice, I have included some food in the list, Fat Jesse. That's because I believe that, although food is primarily fuel, putting the right food in my body can be seen as a reward. So many times, the diet roller coaster makes us view healthy food as a restriction when it should be a relief!

New Jesse's Treat Alphabet

ANTM marathon with the best friend. Buy some new workout clothes. Call mom. Dark, dark chocolate. Express delivery upgrade. Funny Face starring Audrey Hepburn. Get my kids giggling. Hot chamomile tea. Internet search 90's TV shows. Joke with the hubby. Karaoke time. Lose the remote. Make up a dance routine with the toddler.  Not care about the messy house. Open the jewelry box. Print family pics. Quiet time. Redbox night. Starbucks ice water. Test drive a new lipstick. Unfold the double stroller and go exploring. Vote for Pedro. Wear a dress and heels. X-train DVD. Yonanas. Zzzzzz's.


Happy Anniversary,
New Jesse, -20 lbs