Review: A Fat Chick's Week with P90X

Dear Fat Jesse,

Remember that slump we talked about last week? Well, it got me thinking about what I could do for a new workout routine. One day, I was venting to my husband about what I wanted it to look like.....I wish I had a routine that had something different for every day of the week, working different parts of the body. But I don't want to just do boring weight lifting at the gym anymore. I want to do yoga and martial arts too...I combed through my gym's workout class schedule, only to find that there was no way I could find the time to take a class every day. My husband looked me square in the face and said the worst thing I'd ever heard. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're talking about P90X.

Now, let's back up here and explain why that's about the worst thing you could say to me, Fat Jesse. Before I had my second baby, I got P90X with every intention of doing it. I previewed the workouts, got terrified, and did the whole let's start Monday gig. That week, I got a surprise in the form of two red lines on a dollar store pregnancy test that my friend brought over as a joke. Ha...ha. So no P90X for me. Since then, everyone we know has done P90X. Let me rephrase that. Eh-heh-heh-heh-hevryone. All of our friends are walking around with chiseled muscles and crossing their arms in an X-pose at inappropriate times.  Note to P90X'ers...it's not okay to pose that way at your grandmother's funeral, no matter how much you thought she knew how to bring it with her snickerdoodle recipe.

So basically, three things were keeping me from trying this workout. Hype aversion, fear, and plain old Haterade. I have a tendency to avoid anything that's painfully popular, which is insane. Avoiding something because a lot of people like it is just as dumb as liking something because everyone likes it. Then I was afraid that I couldn't do the workouts because they looked ridiculously hard. And if I couldn't, there was an Adonis army on every corner of Facebook waiting to remind me that I was a wimp. Ooh, wait! Is that what the X pose means? I can do this, but you can't! Maybe...

Even after fessing up to my internal issues about P90X, there was still a nagging doubt in my mind. I had never seen a large person in before and after pictures. Most success stories I saw went like this: Greg had ballooned up to a grotesque 180 lbs and felt like a change....It was then that Suzy realized she was not bikini ready and decided it was time to shed those last five pounds...I mean, God bless those people. Unhappy is unhappy and they have a right to make a change. But I have seventy pounds left to lose, and I'm afraid Tony Horton might just kill me. So what do I do? I try Power 90, the predecessor to P90X. The little caterpillar before the giant x-shaped butterfly. And it's too easy for me. So last Tuesday, Fat Jesse, I faced the music and dragged my large behind in front of our TV-- in a good way this time--and let Tony Horton beat the living daylights out of me. Here are my honest thoughts for the people out there who have a little spark of maybe I could do this in the back of their mind.

First, a little overview. P90X has three programs: Classic, Lean, and Doubles. I'm not a P90X-pert, so I'm not at liberty to say which is best for anyone. But I do know that Classic is for those who want to build muscle, Lean is for those who want to slim down and burn fat, and Doubles is for those who are suicidal. I'm doing the Lean program. Each week consists of six pre-determined workouts, and one rest/stretch day. The workout schedule changes on certain weeks to employ the principle of 'muscle confusion.' Here's what I thought of my first week, in pro/con form...

Pros

-Tony is a great trainer. Anyone who has done workout DVD's knows that you have a 50/50 shot of hating the person talking to you from the screen. Not the case here. He's likable, a little sarcastic, and  refreshingly honest. No peppy aerobics instructors in this program, doing everything with ease while you die on the inside. If an exercise is tough, he'll look you right in the eye and tell you.

-Modification is always an option. Other than the rare occasion when he says that everyone must do ___ amount of reps, he is very focused on allowing you to start at your level, set goals that will challenge you, and work at your own pace. I was pleasantly surprised by this fact.

-The workout schedule is laid out perfectly. I'm not going to lie, there were days that I would wake up and wonder how on earth I was going to complete my next workout with how sore I was. But I would do it anyway, only to find that I was challenging a completely different set of muscles and letting the ones I murdered the previous day take a little rest. On top of that, a workout never starts without generous time for feel-good stretching.

-Mr. Horton has brought yoga into the mainstream as a killer workout for men. I know, I know...what does this have to do with me, a woman? Well, for years I have sung the praises of yoga as a great way to build strength. And I've watched men turn up their noses at it as a woman's thing. When I see Tony Horton give yoga the credit for why he's still rockin' into his fifties, it builds his credibility as a fitness guru in my eyes. Oh, and the 90 minutes of Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga he puts you through? Do it and try to tell me it's sissy stuff.

-It's fun and instantly rewarding. Even the resistance training feels like fun choreography that you can master. Everyone likes variety and this program definitely delivers it. The most rewarding part is being able to do an exercise two days after you thought you would die trying. (See: Ab Ripper X)

Cons


-It takes a lot of equipment for an in-home workout. And once you get the equipment you think you'll like, it takes trial and error to realize you want something different. Your dumbbells will be too light or too heavy, resistance bands will fail when you need them the most, but you'll want to use them instead of other things on certain exercises. The necessity of a yoga mat and what type will come into question several times. Anyone starting this program should be prepared to take the equipment thing in stride for the first week. It takes time to figure it out.

-The camera man can go wrong every once in a while. You may miss Tony's feet when you really should have seen them and will do something wrong for a couple reps. I guess that's the beauty of it being a DVD. There's always rewind and pause. I found myself dumbfounded and staring at the screen many times this week while I learned all the moves. And I'm okay with that. I have three months to master it.

-It is a time commitment. This is no 30 minute-per-day investment. Be prepared to devote 90 minutes to working out, six days per week. Not all of the workouts are that long, but it takes a while to get your equipment together, especially if you have to hide it from your kids between workouts like I do. I can say with all honestly that I never feel tortured with the length of the workouts. Time flies.

-Tony can be a Pluggy McPluggerson in certain workouts. He has great products, and he wants everyone to know about them. It's obvious, but it never distracts from the workout.

-Weight loss will slow down initially. First, because of muscle build. Second, because our bodies are programmed to prevent starvation. My body doesn't know that I look terrible in jeans. All it knows is that I have maintained a certain weight to live for a long time, and wants to keep that weight. When calories are too low, the body will hold onto fat as a defense mechanism. It's important for anyone working out this much to actually increase calories in the right way and find that balance that will allow the body to let fat stores go. I know that's a mouthful. Bottom line: work out more...eat more. It's a tough concept for a person trying to lose weight, but it's the truth.

So would I recommend P90X to my fellow obese friends out there, Fat Jesse? I think I would, especially those who are familiar with exercise in some way. I know that, for months, I have tried to keep up the variety and challenge and it's tough. Here's a program that gives you everything you need for both. Sure, it takes a monetary and time investment. It leaves you sore, sweaty, and wondering if you'll every be able to accomplish all the moves in any given workout. But the best thing about P90X, F.J., is that it makes you want to try!

Thinking of more X puns,
New Jesse, +1 pound (of pure muscle)