Crab- a person or entity with the habit of pulling down those who are trying to achieve success, change, or anything outside the realm of the crab's own comfort. Their motto is, If I can't be happy, no one can.
crab bucket- cylindrical dwelling of Crabs, slippery on all sides, and conducive to being stuck.
Fat Jesse's Easy Hipster Band Name Creator- It's this simple. All you have to do is choose any present participle verb and pair it with any proper noun. Once again: present participle + proper noun = hip. Let's give her a try. kidnapping + Roger= Kidnapping Roger.
Fitness Boredom Syndrome- the inevitable mind-numbing avoidance of all things exercise due to repetitious workouts. Sufferers can expect to experience creative excuses, sudden drop in the number of minutes in the day, and paralysis from too many alternative options.
Heidi Klum Klub- German term (yes, I am also well-versed in fake German), for an elite band of women who possess the ability to return to their pre-pregnancy bodies within minutes of delivery. Currently under investigation with the Fat Jesse Ethics Committee for kidnapping.
Lisa Frank- a whimsical line of artwork, especially near and dear to the 90's child, but now seeing a comeback. The only line of products which thought to juxtapose neon rainbows and penguins on the same folder. Also the only deep regret in Fat Jesse's childhood, as she never got the Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper she so desperately needed.
Spanx- a line of undergarments, using a miraculous blend of pantyhose and wizardry. They hide, tuck, smooth, and lift. Truly the greatest invention any woman could ask for.
superiose- an enzyme produced by the body at the first sign of weight loss success. Causes delusions of grandeur, memory loss, and the inability to stand in a normal fashion while taking 'after' photos. Sufferers may not know that they are affected by the enzyme until it is too late.
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