5 Foods That Make Me Feel Like a Five Year Old

Dear Fat Jesse,

Since I've started writing to you, I have had some of the best conversations of my life with people that know where I'm coming from. We've talked about our pitfalls, annoyances, and barriers that keep us from pushing on at times. One common thread with many of these people is the fact that they have no idea where to start when it comes to eating healthy, because they simply never learned. I fear that when I tell people I subscribe to a vegan diet, they may mistake me for someone who spends my day in the kitchen making glorious creations out of fresh vegetables and tofu. The truth is, both my husband and I have had to overcome a huge mental block against almost all healthy foods to get where we are now. Just two months ago, we were like little five year olds, who only enjoyed macaroni and cheese and pizza. And our favorite was when the kind people at CiCi's Pizza brilliantly put them together. So, without further ado, here are just a few of the foods that I grew up hating, but have found a way to get around on the path to being healthier.

#1: Cottage Cheese

Seriously, what is the deal with this disgusting stuff? I would like to create a group of renegades called the Texture Police to go after whoever woke up one morning and decided to pass this slime off as food. Sometime in the 1980's, another anarchist in a shack somewhere started spreading the word that cottage cheese was the foundation of any healthy diet. I watched my mom mix it with tomatoes and pepper one day, and then saw her put pineapple in it the next. That kind of inconsistency doesn't belong in politics, and it sure doesn't belong in my kitchen! So, cottage cheese, what is it? Do you go with vegetables or do you go with fruit? That's what I thought....you don't know.

Try instead: Greek Yogurt. I don't do dairy anymore, but if I could, this stuff is awesome. More protein than yogurt, fewer calories, and not a wishy-washy dirtbag like cottage cheese.

#2: Canned Vegetables

I don't think I tasted a fresh pea until my mid-twenties, Fat Jesse. That is because the first time I tried a pea, it was from a can and from then on it was, "I don't like peas." In fact, a lot of the veggies I grew up on were from a can. That was just the way moms decided to get veggies on the table for ten people back then. The other alternative was boiling or microwaving frozen veggies, but those don't turn out much better than canned. Mr. Scientist Man has even reached out from his lab to tell us that we basically strip the nutrient value from veggies by cooking them that way anyway. So we're torturing our kids with mushy vegetables for no reason at all.

Try instead: Frozen veggies + Ziploc steamer bags = yummy vegetables that kids and kid-like grown ups enjoy side-by-side. Now, if anyone wants to steam the old fashioned way and avoid the extra cost of Ziploc bags, more power to them. There are even reusable products that will steam veggies in the microwave. The point is that no one should say they hate vegetables until they've tried them steamed instead of canned/boiled/microwaved. It sure changed my mind.

#3: Tofu

Ah, my old foe. Tofu and I have been in a ten year battle and he wins every time. My mother is the best cook in the world. She can take flour and water and make magic. But when she tried to make tofu, it wasn't pretty. I've read every tip on the internet....buy it firm and dry it well. No, buy it soft and scramble it. Jump up and down while it's cooking for good luck. I've tried making it like a breaded "mozzarella stick", using it in stir-fry, marinating it. Always...disgusting. I know I'm going to get a flood of suggestions about how to really make good tofu after I publish this. Those people can send them to lightbulb@dearfatjesse.com. But let me warn you... I'm so jaded by my attempts to make good tofu, that I've become the bad boy that no one can change no matter how hard they try. I should get a leather jacket.

Try instead: Tempeh. It has more protein and fiber than tofu and is less processed. This isn't just for us hippy vegans either. Anyone can benefit from replacing a couple meat-based meals with tempeh a couple times a week. I like to buy it pre-marinated, and my favorite brand looks like this. It comes in pre-cut strips that you brown for two minutes and it goes perfectly with rice, cous cous, or quinoa. It has the consistency of a really thick piece of bacon and hey, they even make it in a bacon flavor.

#4: Iceberg Lettuce

Let's face it. Iceburg lettuce makes us feel insecure. It ruins first dates. And it has no taste. Oh, you think I'm exaggerating? Really think about it, F.J. You're on a first date, and you order the salad to make yourself look dainty and not-that-hungry. But what you get is a plate full of jawbreaker sized leaves that catapult salad dressing out of the corners of your mouth if you're not careful...and crunch louder than a spoon in a garbage disposal. What do you do? Slice up your salad with a knife for twenty minutes before you dig in? It's then that you realize you would look more dainty if you just ordered a can of Pringles and shoved them in your mouth forty at a time. Fat Jesse, I blame iceberg lettuce for the reason most people say they hate salad.

Try Instead: Shredded iceberg or pretty much anything else. I hated salad until someone made me try a Caesar salad with Romaine lettuce. Romaine was great and made me try arugula, spinach, radicchio...the list goes on. Grocery stores have tons of mixes that can expose salad haters to better tasting options. Now, for a taco salad, there is nothing better than shredded iceberg lettuce. It's cheap, doesn't ruin your love life, and you basically burn the calories that are in it by simply chewing it. The hubs and I enjoy a gigantic vegan taco salad on those nights when we want to feel like total pigs, but don't want to pay for it the next day.

#5: Tuna

Am I the only kid that would open her lunch box and groan when I discovered that I had a tuna sandwich for lunch? Probably not. In fact, my hubby has such a strong aversion to tuna that I worry about whether or not he was actually attacked by a tuna fish as a child and doesn't have the strength to talk about it. Until I was old enough to buy my own groceries, I agreed with him. Tuna can be mushy, smell horrible, and is most commonly served in globs of mayonnaise.

Try instead: Much like 3 out of the other 4 foods I've talked about on this list (yeah, keep walkin' cottage cheese), I simply needed to experience a different type of tuna to realize that it's actually very good. I grew up on chunk light tuna in oil. I gag a little when I say oil, by the way. But now that I have tried chunk white Albacore, I am in love. White tuna is more firm like chicken, doesn't have a nauseating fish smell, and can be eaten without all the mayo on salads and in rice. Best of all, it's pretty darn good for you. In fact, tuna is one of the only occasional exceptions I make to my vegan diet. I like to buy it in the foil pouches that come in different flavors like lemon pepper or teriyaki.

So, there you have it, Fat Jesse. We all have our foods that we've hated since childhood that can actually keep us from experimenting with anything new at all. But with a little creativity, a lot of bravery, and a resolve to retrain the brain to want good things, it gets a little easier every day.

Adventurously yours,
New Jesse, -20 lbs