Dear Fat Jesse,
In my first letter to you, I talked about how losing weight is a public struggle. Each time I've logged in to talk to you, I have faced the challenge of remaining authentic with an audience reading my every step. I never wanted this forum to be about neatly juxtaposed before and after pictures or shallow tips that you can find anywhere on the internet. I opened up this personal journal to talk about how messy and unpredictable this road can be. And that's what I'm going to do.
I love P90X, Fat Jesse. The variety paired with structure, the intensity I had been craving after weeks of boredom with workouts, and the feeling of accomplishment. I stand by everything I said in my review. But I can't do it anymore. Now, before you throw that pull-up bar in the trash, F.J., let me explain why.
I can guarantee that there will be at least 2.7 people who read this and chuckle to themselves about my inability to "bring it" or question my commitment. They can direct any questions or comments to flyingleap@dearfatjesse.com. No, Fat Jesse, my decision to stop P90X is because of my commitment to being healthy, and I felt like I was putting another area of my health in jeopardy while doing it.
You see, I am a nursing mother. Under normal circumstances, a nursing mother is feeding her child every two to three hours and burning up to 500 calories a day. But since my daughter seems to have a wild combination of early teething and severe separation anxiety, I spend about 45 minutes out of every hour of the day in feeding mode. When I started P90X, I figured I could just up my calories and everything would be fine. That was not the case. Going into week two, I felt weak, the scale stopped budging, and I even suspect my milk supply was affected. I did some research, and made the decision that it was time to stop until I talk to my doctor next month. Maybe he'll give me the go-ahead to drink the meal replacement shakes that so many P90X'ers rely on. Maybe I can start the program again when my daughter is on solid foods and no longer relies on me. The only thing I know is that I only have six more months of this time with my child and a lifetime to do P90X.
Surprisingly, my announcement of the decision to stop a workout program is not the point of this letter, Fat Jesse. It's about the next step in our journey: allowing ourselves the freedom to change our mind. I see so much discouragement in those who are trying to lose weight. We "join" this and we "start" that and, when we fail, it sends us into a tailspin. Why? Because, like I've said a hundred times, it's public. Not everyone is as insane as I am, posting their failures on a blog. But they know what it's like to hear someone ask how they're doing on So and So's Newfangled Diet, only to have to explain why they stopped.
So, I submit for your approval, Fat Jesse, that there is only one major thing that we should have to make up our mind about and that is the decision to get healthy. We should make up our mind to eat less, eat better, and to move our bodies with activity. After that, it should be a series of fill in the blanks. One of the best things I heard part of the way into this whole weight loss bit was a very fit person telling me, "It doesn't matter what you do to exercise, as long as you do something."
For every person who went vegetarian and realized they can't live without meat...For every person who took a spin class and hated it...And for every single person who has lived through the experience of scrapping healthy living altogether, because they were embarrassed about a perceived failure....
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
Don't quit. Make up your mind to get healthy. And then fight for your your right to change your mind about how. Just keep going. I know I will.
Still Bringing It,
New Jesse, +1 lb
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Review: A Fat Chick's Week with P90X
Dear Fat Jesse,
Remember that slump we talked about last week? Well, it got me thinking about what I could do for a new workout routine. One day, I was venting to my husband about what I wanted it to look like.....I wish I had a routine that had something different for every day of the week, working different parts of the body. But I don't want to just do boring weight lifting at the gym anymore. I want to do yoga and martial arts too...I combed through my gym's workout class schedule, only to find that there was no way I could find the time to take a class every day. My husband looked me square in the face and said the worst thing I'd ever heard. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're talking about P90X.
Now, let's back up here and explain why that's about the worst thing you could say to me, Fat Jesse. Before I had my second baby, I got P90X with every intention of doing it. I previewed the workouts, got terrified, and did the whole let's start Monday gig. That week, I got a surprise in the form of two red lines on a dollar store pregnancy test that my friend brought over as a joke. Ha...ha. So no P90X for me. Since then, everyone we know has done P90X. Let me rephrase that. Eh-heh-heh-heh-hevryone. All of our friends are walking around with chiseled muscles and crossing their arms in an X-pose at inappropriate times. Note to P90X'ers...it's not okay to pose that way at your grandmother's funeral, no matter how much you thought she knew how to bring it with her snickerdoodle recipe.
So basically, three things were keeping me from trying this workout. Hype aversion, fear, and plain old Haterade. I have a tendency to avoid anything that's painfully popular, which is insane. Avoiding something because a lot of people like it is just as dumb as liking something because everyone likes it. Then I was afraid that I couldn't do the workouts because they looked ridiculously hard. And if I couldn't, there was an Adonis army on every corner of Facebook waiting to remind me that I was a wimp. Ooh, wait! Is that what the X pose means? I can do this, but you can't! Maybe...
Even after fessing up to my internal issues about P90X, there was still a nagging doubt in my mind. I had never seen a large person in before and after pictures. Most success stories I saw went like this: Greg had ballooned up to a grotesque 180 lbs and felt like a change....It was then that Suzy realized she was not bikini ready and decided it was time to shed those last five pounds...I mean, God bless those people. Unhappy is unhappy and they have a right to make a change. But I have seventy pounds left to lose, and I'm afraid Tony Horton might just kill me. So what do I do? I try Power 90, the predecessor to P90X. The little caterpillar before the giant x-shaped butterfly. And it's too easy for me. So last Tuesday, Fat Jesse, I faced the music and dragged my large behind in front of our TV-- in a good way this time--and let Tony Horton beat the living daylights out of me. Here are my honest thoughts for the people out there who have a little spark of maybe I could do this in the back of their mind.
First, a little overview. P90X has three programs: Classic, Lean, and Doubles. I'm not a P90X-pert, so I'm not at liberty to say which is best for anyone. But I do know that Classic is for those who want to build muscle, Lean is for those who want to slim down and burn fat, and Doubles is for those who are suicidal. I'm doing the Lean program. Each week consists of six pre-determined workouts, and one rest/stretch day. The workout schedule changes on certain weeks to employ the principle of 'muscle confusion.' Here's what I thought of my first week, in pro/con form...
Pros
-Tony is a great trainer. Anyone who has done workout DVD's knows that you have a 50/50 shot of hating the person talking to you from the screen. Not the case here. He's likable, a little sarcastic, and refreshingly honest. No peppy aerobics instructors in this program, doing everything with ease while you die on the inside. If an exercise is tough, he'll look you right in the eye and tell you.
-Modification is always an option. Other than the rare occasion when he says that everyone must do ___ amount of reps, he is very focused on allowing you to start at your level, set goals that will challenge you, and work at your own pace. I was pleasantly surprised by this fact.
-The workout schedule is laid out perfectly. I'm not going to lie, there were days that I would wake up and wonder how on earth I was going to complete my next workout with how sore I was. But I would do it anyway, only to find that I was challenging a completely different set of muscles and letting the ones I murdered the previous day take a little rest. On top of that, a workout never starts without generous time for feel-good stretching.
-Mr. Horton has brought yoga into the mainstream as a killer workout for men. I know, I know...what does this have to do with me, a woman? Well, for years I have sung the praises of yoga as a great way to build strength. And I've watched men turn up their noses at it as a woman's thing. When I see Tony Horton give yoga the credit for why he's still rockin' into his fifties, it builds his credibility as a fitness guru in my eyes. Oh, and the 90 minutes of Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga he puts you through? Do it and try to tell me it's sissy stuff.
-It's fun and instantly rewarding. Even the resistance training feels like fun choreography that you can master. Everyone likes variety and this program definitely delivers it. The most rewarding part is being able to do an exercise two days after you thought you would die trying. (See: Ab Ripper X)
Cons
-It takes a lot of equipment for an in-home workout. And once you get the equipment you think you'll like, it takes trial and error to realize you want something different. Your dumbbells will be too light or too heavy, resistance bands will fail when you need them the most, but you'll want to use them instead of other things on certain exercises. The necessity of a yoga mat and what type will come into question several times. Anyone starting this program should be prepared to take the equipment thing in stride for the first week. It takes time to figure it out.
-The camera man can go wrong every once in a while. You may miss Tony's feet when you really should have seen them and will do something wrong for a couple reps. I guess that's the beauty of it being a DVD. There's always rewind and pause. I found myself dumbfounded and staring at the screen many times this week while I learned all the moves. And I'm okay with that. I have three months to master it.
-It is a time commitment. This is no 30 minute-per-day investment. Be prepared to devote 90 minutes to working out, six days per week. Not all of the workouts are that long, but it takes a while to get your equipment together, especially if you have to hide it from your kids between workouts like I do. I can say with all honestly that I never feel tortured with the length of the workouts. Time flies.
-Tony can be a Pluggy McPluggerson in certain workouts. He has great products, and he wants everyone to know about them. It's obvious, but it never distracts from the workout.
-Weight loss will slow down initially. First, because of muscle build. Second, because our bodies are programmed to prevent starvation. My body doesn't know that I look terrible in jeans. All it knows is that I have maintained a certain weight to live for a long time, and wants to keep that weight. When calories are too low, the body will hold onto fat as a defense mechanism. It's important for anyone working out this much to actually increase calories in the right way and find that balance that will allow the body to let fat stores go. I know that's a mouthful. Bottom line: work out more...eat more. It's a tough concept for a person trying to lose weight, but it's the truth.
So would I recommend P90X to my fellow obese friends out there, Fat Jesse? I think I would, especially those who are familiar with exercise in some way. I know that, for months, I have tried to keep up the variety and challenge and it's tough. Here's a program that gives you everything you need for both. Sure, it takes a monetary and time investment. It leaves you sore, sweaty, and wondering if you'll every be able to accomplish all the moves in any given workout. But the best thing about P90X, F.J., is that it makes you want to try!
Thinking of more X puns,
New Jesse, +1 pound (of pure muscle)
Remember that slump we talked about last week? Well, it got me thinking about what I could do for a new workout routine. One day, I was venting to my husband about what I wanted it to look like.....I wish I had a routine that had something different for every day of the week, working different parts of the body. But I don't want to just do boring weight lifting at the gym anymore. I want to do yoga and martial arts too...I combed through my gym's workout class schedule, only to find that there was no way I could find the time to take a class every day. My husband looked me square in the face and said the worst thing I'd ever heard. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're talking about P90X.
Now, let's back up here and explain why that's about the worst thing you could say to me, Fat Jesse. Before I had my second baby, I got P90X with every intention of doing it. I previewed the workouts, got terrified, and did the whole let's start Monday gig. That week, I got a surprise in the form of two red lines on a dollar store pregnancy test that my friend brought over as a joke. Ha...ha. So no P90X for me. Since then, everyone we know has done P90X. Let me rephrase that. Eh-heh-heh-heh-hevryone. All of our friends are walking around with chiseled muscles and crossing their arms in an X-pose at inappropriate times. Note to P90X'ers...it's not okay to pose that way at your grandmother's funeral, no matter how much you thought she knew how to bring it with her snickerdoodle recipe.
So basically, three things were keeping me from trying this workout. Hype aversion, fear, and plain old Haterade. I have a tendency to avoid anything that's painfully popular, which is insane. Avoiding something because a lot of people like it is just as dumb as liking something because everyone likes it. Then I was afraid that I couldn't do the workouts because they looked ridiculously hard. And if I couldn't, there was an Adonis army on every corner of Facebook waiting to remind me that I was a wimp. Ooh, wait! Is that what the X pose means? I can do this, but you can't! Maybe...
Even after fessing up to my internal issues about P90X, there was still a nagging doubt in my mind. I had never seen a large person in before and after pictures. Most success stories I saw went like this: Greg had ballooned up to a grotesque 180 lbs and felt like a change....It was then that Suzy realized she was not bikini ready and decided it was time to shed those last five pounds...I mean, God bless those people. Unhappy is unhappy and they have a right to make a change. But I have seventy pounds left to lose, and I'm afraid Tony Horton might just kill me. So what do I do? I try Power 90, the predecessor to P90X. The little caterpillar before the giant x-shaped butterfly. And it's too easy for me. So last Tuesday, Fat Jesse, I faced the music and dragged my large behind in front of our TV-- in a good way this time--and let Tony Horton beat the living daylights out of me. Here are my honest thoughts for the people out there who have a little spark of maybe I could do this in the back of their mind.
First, a little overview. P90X has three programs: Classic, Lean, and Doubles. I'm not a P90X-pert, so I'm not at liberty to say which is best for anyone. But I do know that Classic is for those who want to build muscle, Lean is for those who want to slim down and burn fat, and Doubles is for those who are suicidal. I'm doing the Lean program. Each week consists of six pre-determined workouts, and one rest/stretch day. The workout schedule changes on certain weeks to employ the principle of 'muscle confusion.' Here's what I thought of my first week, in pro/con form...
Pros
-Tony is a great trainer. Anyone who has done workout DVD's knows that you have a 50/50 shot of hating the person talking to you from the screen. Not the case here. He's likable, a little sarcastic, and refreshingly honest. No peppy aerobics instructors in this program, doing everything with ease while you die on the inside. If an exercise is tough, he'll look you right in the eye and tell you.
-Modification is always an option. Other than the rare occasion when he says that everyone must do ___ amount of reps, he is very focused on allowing you to start at your level, set goals that will challenge you, and work at your own pace. I was pleasantly surprised by this fact.
-The workout schedule is laid out perfectly. I'm not going to lie, there were days that I would wake up and wonder how on earth I was going to complete my next workout with how sore I was. But I would do it anyway, only to find that I was challenging a completely different set of muscles and letting the ones I murdered the previous day take a little rest. On top of that, a workout never starts without generous time for feel-good stretching.
-Mr. Horton has brought yoga into the mainstream as a killer workout for men. I know, I know...what does this have to do with me, a woman? Well, for years I have sung the praises of yoga as a great way to build strength. And I've watched men turn up their noses at it as a woman's thing. When I see Tony Horton give yoga the credit for why he's still rockin' into his fifties, it builds his credibility as a fitness guru in my eyes. Oh, and the 90 minutes of Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga he puts you through? Do it and try to tell me it's sissy stuff.
-It's fun and instantly rewarding. Even the resistance training feels like fun choreography that you can master. Everyone likes variety and this program definitely delivers it. The most rewarding part is being able to do an exercise two days after you thought you would die trying. (See: Ab Ripper X)
Cons
-It takes a lot of equipment for an in-home workout. And once you get the equipment you think you'll like, it takes trial and error to realize you want something different. Your dumbbells will be too light or too heavy, resistance bands will fail when you need them the most, but you'll want to use them instead of other things on certain exercises. The necessity of a yoga mat and what type will come into question several times. Anyone starting this program should be prepared to take the equipment thing in stride for the first week. It takes time to figure it out.
-The camera man can go wrong every once in a while. You may miss Tony's feet when you really should have seen them and will do something wrong for a couple reps. I guess that's the beauty of it being a DVD. There's always rewind and pause. I found myself dumbfounded and staring at the screen many times this week while I learned all the moves. And I'm okay with that. I have three months to master it.
-It is a time commitment. This is no 30 minute-per-day investment. Be prepared to devote 90 minutes to working out, six days per week. Not all of the workouts are that long, but it takes a while to get your equipment together, especially if you have to hide it from your kids between workouts like I do. I can say with all honestly that I never feel tortured with the length of the workouts. Time flies.
-Tony can be a Pluggy McPluggerson in certain workouts. He has great products, and he wants everyone to know about them. It's obvious, but it never distracts from the workout.
-Weight loss will slow down initially. First, because of muscle build. Second, because our bodies are programmed to prevent starvation. My body doesn't know that I look terrible in jeans. All it knows is that I have maintained a certain weight to live for a long time, and wants to keep that weight. When calories are too low, the body will hold onto fat as a defense mechanism. It's important for anyone working out this much to actually increase calories in the right way and find that balance that will allow the body to let fat stores go. I know that's a mouthful. Bottom line: work out more...eat more. It's a tough concept for a person trying to lose weight, but it's the truth.
So would I recommend P90X to my fellow obese friends out there, Fat Jesse? I think I would, especially those who are familiar with exercise in some way. I know that, for months, I have tried to keep up the variety and challenge and it's tough. Here's a program that gives you everything you need for both. Sure, it takes a monetary and time investment. It leaves you sore, sweaty, and wondering if you'll every be able to accomplish all the moves in any given workout. But the best thing about P90X, F.J., is that it makes you want to try!
Thinking of more X puns,
New Jesse, +1 pound (of pure muscle)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
5 Foods That Make Me Feel Like a Five Year Old
Dear Fat Jesse,
Since I've started writing to you, I have had some of the best conversations of my life with people that know where I'm coming from. We've talked about our pitfalls, annoyances, and barriers that keep us from pushing on at times. One common thread with many of these people is the fact that they have no idea where to start when it comes to eating healthy, because they simply never learned. I fear that when I tell people I subscribe to a vegan diet, they may mistake me for someone who spends my day in the kitchen making glorious creations out of fresh vegetables and tofu. The truth is, both my husband and I have had to overcome a huge mental block against almost all healthy foods to get where we are now. Just two months ago, we were like little five year olds, who only enjoyed macaroni and cheese and pizza. And our favorite was when the kind people at CiCi's Pizza brilliantly put them together. So, without further ado, here are just a few of the foods that I grew up hating, but have found a way to get around on the path to being healthier.
#1: Cottage Cheese
Seriously, what is the deal with this disgusting stuff? I would like to create a group of renegades called the Texture Police to go after whoever woke up one morning and decided to pass this slime off as food. Sometime in the 1980's, another anarchist in a shack somewhere started spreading the word that cottage cheese was the foundation of any healthy diet. I watched my mom mix it with tomatoes and pepper one day, and then saw her put pineapple in it the next. That kind of inconsistency doesn't belong in politics, and it sure doesn't belong in my kitchen! So, cottage cheese, what is it? Do you go with vegetables or do you go with fruit? That's what I thought....you don't know.
Try instead: Greek Yogurt. I don't do dairy anymore, but if I could, this stuff is awesome. More protein than yogurt, fewer calories, and not a wishy-washy dirtbag like cottage cheese.
#2: Canned Vegetables
I don't think I tasted a fresh pea until my mid-twenties, Fat Jesse. That is because the first time I tried a pea, it was from a can and from then on it was, "I don't like peas." In fact, a lot of the veggies I grew up on were from a can. That was just the way moms decided to get veggies on the table for ten people back then. The other alternative was boiling or microwaving frozen veggies, but those don't turn out much better than canned. Mr. Scientist Man has even reached out from his lab to tell us that we basically strip the nutrient value from veggies by cooking them that way anyway. So we're torturing our kids with mushy vegetables for no reason at all.
Try instead: Frozen veggies + Ziploc steamer bags = yummy vegetables that kids and kid-like grown ups enjoy side-by-side. Now, if anyone wants to steam the old fashioned way and avoid the extra cost of Ziploc bags, more power to them. There are even reusable products that will steam veggies in the microwave. The point is that no one should say they hate vegetables until they've tried them steamed instead of canned/boiled/microwaved. It sure changed my mind.
#3: Tofu
Ah, my old foe. Tofu and I have been in a ten year battle and he wins every time. My mother is the best cook in the world. She can take flour and water and make magic. But when she tried to make tofu, it wasn't pretty. I've read every tip on the internet....buy it firm and dry it well. No, buy it soft and scramble it. Jump up and down while it's cooking for good luck. I've tried making it like a breaded "mozzarella stick", using it in stir-fry, marinating it. Always...disgusting. I know I'm going to get a flood of suggestions about how to really make good tofu after I publish this. Those people can send them to lightbulb@dearfatjesse.com. But let me warn you... I'm so jaded by my attempts to make good tofu, that I've become the bad boy that no one can change no matter how hard they try. I should get a leather jacket.
Try instead: Tempeh. It has more protein and fiber than tofu and is less processed. This isn't just for us hippy vegans either. Anyone can benefit from replacing a couple meat-based meals with tempeh a couple times a week. I like to buy it pre-marinated, and my favorite brand looks like this. It comes in pre-cut strips that you brown for two minutes and it goes perfectly with rice, cous cous, or quinoa. It has the consistency of a really thick piece of bacon and hey, they even make it in a bacon flavor.
#4: Iceberg Lettuce
Let's face it. Iceburg lettuce makes us feel insecure. It ruins first dates. And it has no taste. Oh, you think I'm exaggerating? Really think about it, F.J. You're on a first date, and you order the salad to make yourself look dainty and not-that-hungry. But what you get is a plate full of jawbreaker sized leaves that catapult salad dressing out of the corners of your mouth if you're not careful...and crunch louder than a spoon in a garbage disposal. What do you do? Slice up your salad with a knife for twenty minutes before you dig in? It's then that you realize you would look more dainty if you just ordered a can of Pringles and shoved them in your mouth forty at a time. Fat Jesse, I blame iceberg lettuce for the reason most people say they hate salad.
Try Instead: Shredded iceberg or pretty much anything else. I hated salad until someone made me try a Caesar salad with Romaine lettuce. Romaine was great and made me try arugula, spinach, radicchio...the list goes on. Grocery stores have tons of mixes that can expose salad haters to better tasting options. Now, for a taco salad, there is nothing better than shredded iceberg lettuce. It's cheap, doesn't ruin your love life, and you basically burn the calories that are in it by simply chewing it. The hubs and I enjoy a gigantic vegan taco salad on those nights when we want to feel like total pigs, but don't want to pay for it the next day.
#5: Tuna
Am I the only kid that would open her lunch box and groan when I discovered that I had a tuna sandwich for lunch? Probably not. In fact, my hubby has such a strong aversion to tuna that I worry about whether or not he was actually attacked by a tuna fish as a child and doesn't have the strength to talk about it. Until I was old enough to buy my own groceries, I agreed with him. Tuna can be mushy, smell horrible, and is most commonly served in globs of mayonnaise.
Try instead: Much like 3 out of the other 4 foods I've talked about on this list (yeah, keep walkin' cottage cheese), I simply needed to experience a different type of tuna to realize that it's actually very good. I grew up on chunk light tuna in oil. I gag a little when I say oil, by the way. But now that I have tried chunk white Albacore, I am in love. White tuna is more firm like chicken, doesn't have a nauseating fish smell, and can be eaten without all the mayo on salads and in rice. Best of all, it's pretty darn good for you. In fact, tuna is one of the only occasional exceptions I make to my vegan diet. I like to buy it in the foil pouches that come in different flavors like lemon pepper or teriyaki.
So, there you have it, Fat Jesse. We all have our foods that we've hated since childhood that can actually keep us from experimenting with anything new at all. But with a little creativity, a lot of bravery, and a resolve to retrain the brain to want good things, it gets a little easier every day.
Adventurously yours,
New Jesse, -20 lbs
Since I've started writing to you, I have had some of the best conversations of my life with people that know where I'm coming from. We've talked about our pitfalls, annoyances, and barriers that keep us from pushing on at times. One common thread with many of these people is the fact that they have no idea where to start when it comes to eating healthy, because they simply never learned. I fear that when I tell people I subscribe to a vegan diet, they may mistake me for someone who spends my day in the kitchen making glorious creations out of fresh vegetables and tofu. The truth is, both my husband and I have had to overcome a huge mental block against almost all healthy foods to get where we are now. Just two months ago, we were like little five year olds, who only enjoyed macaroni and cheese and pizza. And our favorite was when the kind people at CiCi's Pizza brilliantly put them together. So, without further ado, here are just a few of the foods that I grew up hating, but have found a way to get around on the path to being healthier.
#1: Cottage Cheese
Seriously, what is the deal with this disgusting stuff? I would like to create a group of renegades called the Texture Police to go after whoever woke up one morning and decided to pass this slime off as food. Sometime in the 1980's, another anarchist in a shack somewhere started spreading the word that cottage cheese was the foundation of any healthy diet. I watched my mom mix it with tomatoes and pepper one day, and then saw her put pineapple in it the next. That kind of inconsistency doesn't belong in politics, and it sure doesn't belong in my kitchen! So, cottage cheese, what is it? Do you go with vegetables or do you go with fruit? That's what I thought....you don't know.
Try instead: Greek Yogurt. I don't do dairy anymore, but if I could, this stuff is awesome. More protein than yogurt, fewer calories, and not a wishy-washy dirtbag like cottage cheese.
#2: Canned Vegetables
I don't think I tasted a fresh pea until my mid-twenties, Fat Jesse. That is because the first time I tried a pea, it was from a can and from then on it was, "I don't like peas." In fact, a lot of the veggies I grew up on were from a can. That was just the way moms decided to get veggies on the table for ten people back then. The other alternative was boiling or microwaving frozen veggies, but those don't turn out much better than canned. Mr. Scientist Man has even reached out from his lab to tell us that we basically strip the nutrient value from veggies by cooking them that way anyway. So we're torturing our kids with mushy vegetables for no reason at all.
Try instead: Frozen veggies + Ziploc steamer bags = yummy vegetables that kids and kid-like grown ups enjoy side-by-side. Now, if anyone wants to steam the old fashioned way and avoid the extra cost of Ziploc bags, more power to them. There are even reusable products that will steam veggies in the microwave. The point is that no one should say they hate vegetables until they've tried them steamed instead of canned/boiled/microwaved. It sure changed my mind.
#3: Tofu
Ah, my old foe. Tofu and I have been in a ten year battle and he wins every time. My mother is the best cook in the world. She can take flour and water and make magic. But when she tried to make tofu, it wasn't pretty. I've read every tip on the internet....buy it firm and dry it well. No, buy it soft and scramble it. Jump up and down while it's cooking for good luck. I've tried making it like a breaded "mozzarella stick", using it in stir-fry, marinating it. Always...disgusting. I know I'm going to get a flood of suggestions about how to really make good tofu after I publish this. Those people can send them to lightbulb@dearfatjesse.com. But let me warn you... I'm so jaded by my attempts to make good tofu, that I've become the bad boy that no one can change no matter how hard they try. I should get a leather jacket.
Try instead: Tempeh. It has more protein and fiber than tofu and is less processed. This isn't just for us hippy vegans either. Anyone can benefit from replacing a couple meat-based meals with tempeh a couple times a week. I like to buy it pre-marinated, and my favorite brand looks like this. It comes in pre-cut strips that you brown for two minutes and it goes perfectly with rice, cous cous, or quinoa. It has the consistency of a really thick piece of bacon and hey, they even make it in a bacon flavor.
#4: Iceberg Lettuce
Let's face it. Iceburg lettuce makes us feel insecure. It ruins first dates. And it has no taste. Oh, you think I'm exaggerating? Really think about it, F.J. You're on a first date, and you order the salad to make yourself look dainty and not-that-hungry. But what you get is a plate full of jawbreaker sized leaves that catapult salad dressing out of the corners of your mouth if you're not careful...and crunch louder than a spoon in a garbage disposal. What do you do? Slice up your salad with a knife for twenty minutes before you dig in? It's then that you realize you would look more dainty if you just ordered a can of Pringles and shoved them in your mouth forty at a time. Fat Jesse, I blame iceberg lettuce for the reason most people say they hate salad.
Try Instead: Shredded iceberg or pretty much anything else. I hated salad until someone made me try a Caesar salad with Romaine lettuce. Romaine was great and made me try arugula, spinach, radicchio...the list goes on. Grocery stores have tons of mixes that can expose salad haters to better tasting options. Now, for a taco salad, there is nothing better than shredded iceberg lettuce. It's cheap, doesn't ruin your love life, and you basically burn the calories that are in it by simply chewing it. The hubs and I enjoy a gigantic vegan taco salad on those nights when we want to feel like total pigs, but don't want to pay for it the next day.
#5: Tuna
Am I the only kid that would open her lunch box and groan when I discovered that I had a tuna sandwich for lunch? Probably not. In fact, my hubby has such a strong aversion to tuna that I worry about whether or not he was actually attacked by a tuna fish as a child and doesn't have the strength to talk about it. Until I was old enough to buy my own groceries, I agreed with him. Tuna can be mushy, smell horrible, and is most commonly served in globs of mayonnaise.
Try instead: Much like 3 out of the other 4 foods I've talked about on this list (yeah, keep walkin' cottage cheese), I simply needed to experience a different type of tuna to realize that it's actually very good. I grew up on chunk light tuna in oil. I gag a little when I say oil, by the way. But now that I have tried chunk white Albacore, I am in love. White tuna is more firm like chicken, doesn't have a nauseating fish smell, and can be eaten without all the mayo on salads and in rice. Best of all, it's pretty darn good for you. In fact, tuna is one of the only occasional exceptions I make to my vegan diet. I like to buy it in the foil pouches that come in different flavors like lemon pepper or teriyaki.
So, there you have it, Fat Jesse. We all have our foods that we've hated since childhood that can actually keep us from experimenting with anything new at all. But with a little creativity, a lot of bravery, and a resolve to retrain the brain to want good things, it gets a little easier every day.
Adventurously yours,
New Jesse, -20 lbs
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Step 10: Treat Thyself
Dear Fat Jesse,
Today is big. It's our tenth step in the right direction together. It's been exactly two months since we started this weight loss gig. And I am exactly twenty pounds lighter. I feel like we should treat ourselves for all our hard work. The only problem? I don't know how to treat myself to something that doesn't end up on my waistline. This is a dimension to emotional eating that is rarely talked about, so I'm going to talk about it. We hear about eating your feelings or stress eating...even eating out of boredom. But some of us have a nasty habit of making food a reward in everyday life. This is actually a huge part of American culture if you think about it. We give our kids jelly beans to go potty, tell them they can have dessert if they finish their dinner plate, and make them their favorite meal for their birthday. For those kids who have great genes, or are more on the active side into their adult years, this doesn't become an issue. But some kids who grow up like this become adults like me. I blame this...
Call it a cure or call it a side effect, but now that I no longer give in to my addictions to terribly unhealthy foods, I have no idea how to indulge myself in something that I enjoy. My go-to for my entire life has been something salty/crunchy/sweet to make life a little more special. Finals week in college was usually chock-full of trips to the local pizza place as a reward. Every major holiday in my family has a food that is synonymous with the celebration. If being a food addict wasn't enough to make treating myself difficult, there's another wrench in the works.
I'm a mom.
Let me tell you something, Fat Jesse. When you have children at any age, your 'me time' is almost non-existent. But when you have two in diapers and one is still nursing, you don't even have time to spell the word 'me'. My idea of a treat these days is taking a shower without my daughter pressing her face against the space under the door and screaming bloody murder for me, despite the fact that her dad is right there (the same dad she wants to call twenty times a day when he isn't here). In fact, these letters I write to you can only be accomplished over the course of days, and with the help of a very annoying Mexican pre-schooler who shouts repetitive instructions from a map. Yes, with the help of a Boppy pillow for the baby's meal time and a couple episodes of Dora the Explorer, I can have a little time to get in touch with my inner fat chick. Not much else though, F.J.
So I've decided to create my own Treat Alphabet. It will will be my new go-to for things that I can do to de-stress, celebrate, and unwind in this crazy world. I'm going to retrain my brain to see fun in everyday experiences--things that are always available and cost practically nothing. As you may notice, I have included some food in the list, Fat Jesse. That's because I believe that, although food is primarily fuel, putting the right food in my body can be seen as a reward. So many times, the diet roller coaster makes us view healthy food as a restriction when it should be a relief!
ANTM marathon with the best friend. Buy some new workout clothes. Call mom. Dark, dark chocolate. Express delivery upgrade. Funny Face starring Audrey Hepburn. Get my kids giggling. Hot chamomile tea. Internet search 90's TV shows. Joke with the hubby. Karaoke time. Lose the remote. Make up a dance routine with the toddler. Not care about the messy house. Open the jewelry box. Print family pics. Quiet time. Redbox night. Starbucks ice water. Test drive a new lipstick. Unfold the double stroller and go exploring. Vote for Pedro. Wear a dress and heels. X-train DVD. Yonanas. Zzzzzz's.
Happy Anniversary,
New Jesse, -20 lbs
Today is big. It's our tenth step in the right direction together. It's been exactly two months since we started this weight loss gig. And I am exactly twenty pounds lighter. I feel like we should treat ourselves for all our hard work. The only problem? I don't know how to treat myself to something that doesn't end up on my waistline. This is a dimension to emotional eating that is rarely talked about, so I'm going to talk about it. We hear about eating your feelings or stress eating...even eating out of boredom. But some of us have a nasty habit of making food a reward in everyday life. This is actually a huge part of American culture if you think about it. We give our kids jelly beans to go potty, tell them they can have dessert if they finish their dinner plate, and make them their favorite meal for their birthday. For those kids who have great genes, or are more on the active side into their adult years, this doesn't become an issue. But some kids who grow up like this become adults like me. I blame this...
 |
| Oh, the irony! |
I'm a mom.
Let me tell you something, Fat Jesse. When you have children at any age, your 'me time' is almost non-existent. But when you have two in diapers and one is still nursing, you don't even have time to spell the word 'me'. My idea of a treat these days is taking a shower without my daughter pressing her face against the space under the door and screaming bloody murder for me, despite the fact that her dad is right there (the same dad she wants to call twenty times a day when he isn't here). In fact, these letters I write to you can only be accomplished over the course of days, and with the help of a very annoying Mexican pre-schooler who shouts repetitive instructions from a map. Yes, with the help of a Boppy pillow for the baby's meal time and a couple episodes of Dora the Explorer, I can have a little time to get in touch with my inner fat chick. Not much else though, F.J.
 |
| Where are her parents?! Probably blogging. |
So I've decided to create my own Treat Alphabet. It will will be my new go-to for things that I can do to de-stress, celebrate, and unwind in this crazy world. I'm going to retrain my brain to see fun in everyday experiences--things that are always available and cost practically nothing. As you may notice, I have included some food in the list, Fat Jesse. That's because I believe that, although food is primarily fuel, putting the right food in my body can be seen as a reward. So many times, the diet roller coaster makes us view healthy food as a restriction when it should be a relief!
New Jesse's Treat Alphabet
ANTM marathon with the best friend. Buy some new workout clothes. Call mom. Dark, dark chocolate. Express delivery upgrade. Funny Face starring Audrey Hepburn. Get my kids giggling. Hot chamomile tea. Internet search 90's TV shows. Joke with the hubby. Karaoke time. Lose the remote. Make up a dance routine with the toddler. Not care about the messy house. Open the jewelry box. Print family pics. Quiet time. Redbox night. Starbucks ice water. Test drive a new lipstick. Unfold the double stroller and go exploring. Vote for Pedro. Wear a dress and heels. X-train DVD. Yonanas. Zzzzzz's.
Happy Anniversary,
New Jesse, -20 lbs
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Step 9: Ditch the Mistress
Dear Fat Jesse,
This road to getting healthy has so many pitfalls and booby traps, I feel like Indiana Jones sometimes. In fact, I often fall asleep envisioning a huge red stability ball breaking loose and rolling toward me, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. That could be a metaphor for how overwhelmed I feel, but I think it's just because my husband has chosen to store my huge red stability ball on top of the bookcase by our bed. Seriously, if I wake up with that thing on top of me, I'll never get over it. But I digress. Fat Jesse, I have been in a slump. A major what's-the-point-of-all-this-effort slump. This is probably why we haven't spoken in days, but I think I've figured out where this slump is coming from and I'm ready to talk about it.
This Saturday will be the two month mark from the point my family changed our lifestyle. Two months is significant. It's the weirdly coincidental amount of time that I have been able to last on any fad diet I have tried. Low-carb cheese and pork rind diet? Two months. Low-carb cheese and pork rind diet cleverly disguised as a healthy belly fat solution? Two months. The two shakes and a never-sensible dinner, the fast until dinner, the lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Two months, two months, and....well, five days on that last one. Just too weird for me. This is what that tells me...
Fad Diets Are Like an Affair
You know the story of the diet book. You see its stunning spine from across the bookstore. The bright letters, the holographic detail. You open it and...oh my! Are those full color illustrations of all the yummy meals I can prepare? The grocery lists, the before and after pictures, all luring you into their web. It's time to buy the book and live on its promises and attractive ease.
Yes, Fat Jesse, fad diets are like an extra-marital affair. Most times, they begin by chance and cause a tingle of excitement at something different. Something easy. And it is easy...at first. Yes, at first, that book is beautiful. It keeps you company at the grocery store. Sure, it has expensive tastes and you can't afford or even find most of the ingredients for those beautifully pictured recipes. But you can grab other (unhealthy) stuff that follows the same principle. The book even makes it up to you and gives you huge gifts on the scale. This relationship is perfect! All you have to do is listen to what the book says, and you'll score. But after a while, things slow down a bit. Those scale presents have all but stopped and the book has a perfect explanation: it's time to move to phase 2. Wait, what? I don't remember reading anything about phases when I was leafing through this at the book store! But, Fat Jesse, they ALL have phases. When it's time to move onto phase 2, you realize that this book wants a commitment. And that commitment doesn't look much different that just simply eating healthy and getting some exercise. You now feel silly, because you've abandoned all common sense for a phase. That phase was just a ploy to drop some instant pounds and eventually reach the conclusion that the only thing that works is hard work. It's in this moment of crystal clear regret, befitting the ending to a fantastic Tyler Perry movie, that you realize...
The Journey to Getting Truly Healthy is Like a Marriage
I've made a point of it in my adult life to not hang out with any single woman who goes on and on about how great marriage is. Number one, because she has to be off in outer space and I generally don't get along with space aliens. And two, because I'm convinced that a single women who spends her time raving about how lucky I am because I'm married is a closet home wrecker. But that's a debate for another day and time, F.J. (one that I, of course, have plenty of scientific evidence to back me up). The fact is, any married person (especially this person with one divorce in her repertoire already) would agree that marriage is hard. Now, before that army of unmarried space cadets pops out to gasp and say things like not if you find the right person-or my favorite- not if God pens your love story, I have a question. Why is it so wrong to say something is hard, anyway? Especially something so monumentally important like living with another human being and making every waking decision with them? Or something like making sure you don't die of preventable diseases before your time? As a society, we don't like to hear about stuff that is difficult. We have the collective attention span of a fruit fly, and our life spans aren't far behind because of it. It is cliche, F.J., but it really is true that the most important things in our life were never meant to be easy. They take commitment, patience, and a lot of flexibility. A marriage that goes the course of fifty years will see changes, some that are life-defining great and some extremely difficult to the point of wanting to give up. And, what do you know? I'm finding out that being a healthy person--and not just a person on a diet-- is turning out to be exactly the same way.
As we approach this two month mark, Fat Jesse, I realize that my former affection for diet books has programmed me to get discouraged with anything that doesn't resemble a passionate honeymoon of weight loss. So now it is time to set my commitment in stone, and promise to stay the course even when it gets hard. Or worse...when it gets boring. Slump. Over. Time to renew those vows.
For Better or For Worse,
New Jesse, -16 lbs
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