The Disney Princess Weight Loss Guide

Dear Fat Jesse,

As with anyone born before 1995, I have a special place in my heart for old school Disney animated movies. Pixar is great, and I love the fact that everything can be seen in 3D for only $300. But there is just something about those classics that can't be beat. The songs, the drama. Just the greatest. Come to think of it, Fat Jesse, the chicks in those movies are pretty skinny. They might just have a thing or two to teach me while I try to get my weight issues in order. Here's what I can glean from my three favorite Disney princesses...

Briar Rose/Aurora: Question the Past

We can all identify with Sleeping Beauty. Girl has evil spell cast on her, and is forced to live with three zany undercover fairies to protect her from the spell's fulfillment. Can we say been there? I jest, F.J., but Briar Rose and I really do have something in common. We both went our young adult lives not questioning the way we'd always done things. She never once asked, "Why am I living in the forest with three women, with no Starbucks in sight?" She just went about, picking berries and dancing with owls in stolen clothing. And me? I've just gone about, ordering fast food twice a day, complaining that I was still fat....and dancing with owls in stolen clothing. I'm telling you, the similarities are eerie! From now on, I'm going to question every practice I've taken for granted my entire life. The ones that are helpful stay, and the destructive ones go in the wood chipper. Oh, and I also need to score a wood chipper. My only hope is that I don't fall into a trance, prick my finger on a spindle, and slip into a coma in the process of finding my true self. That would suck.

Belle (Beauty and the Beast): Hit the Books

Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe? 

I'm not going to blather on about seeing the beauty in those the world calls ugly. Because anyone with a lick of sense would agree that Beast was actually way more handsome than his princely counterpart. That guy was just weird looking and I've always wanted him to go back to being Beast. No, I walk away from this movie with the inspiration to use my brain. Belle was the town smarty pants and wasn't always on trend because of it. Let's bring Belle's character into modern times. These days, a woman either has the option to simply see (Insert K name) Kardashian on one of her twenty-seven reality shows and say, "I must buy her diet supplements" or she can find information for herself. She may not lose weight rapidly. She may not get the respect of beefcakes in glittery Ed Hardy jeans (aka Modern Gaston). No sir, if Belle lived in today's world, she would totally be a science geek, researching the safest and most effective ways to lose weight. Rock on, Belle. I want to be like you.


Ariel (The Little Mermaid): Keep Some Things for Yourself

No father would wish for his daughter to give up her greatest talent and her fin, all for some guy she's only laid eyes on. Really, what father would even approve of that skimpy sea shell bra? But Ariel had it right in one respect. She kept her dream close to the vest until it was time to act, and rightly so. Look at how her dad flipped out on her the moment he discovered her collection of gadgets and gizmos a'plenty. All gone the moment they were found out by someone who didn't approve. Fat Jesse, there will be times when others unintentionally derail you from what you really want in life because they don't have the capacity to understand. There are also those special few who will quite intentionally try to sabotage what you have going  on (see also: Ursula the sea witch). At the end of the day, it just takes a conscious decision to keep swimming--er, moving-- forward. If it's your dream, it's worth (respectfully) ignoring a few people over.

Waiting for the Disney Vault to open,
New Jesse, -12 lbs

P.S. Aurora's blue dress was definitely the prettier one.