Step 3: A Daily Dose of Vitamin H2

Dear Fat Jesse,

I know you're dying to get to the part where I tell you what we're doing to lose the weight. Workouts, recipes, weird rituals, etc. But we've always cut to that part first, and look where it has gotten us. No, F.J., we must be patient and make sure our brain in on track. We'll get to all of that later. Today, a science lesson....

There is an enzyme that the body produces after consistent weight loss. It's called superiose (soo-PEER-ee-ose). It causes delusions of grandeur, memory loss, and the inability to stand in a normal fashion while taking 'after' photos. Okay, fine. You got me, F.J. I'm using fake science again. But you have to admit that claiming that something is scientific fact makes it so much more compelling. Although there is no physiological explanation (that I can prove) for why a person has the potential to become a huge tool after succeeding at getting the weight off, the fact is that it does happen. And I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen to us, by way of a little preventive medicine every single day. I am an absolute sucker for alliteration, so I have no choice but to go with my two favorite H-words to help us along.


Honesty

The hubs and I watch The Biggest Loser on Netflix religiously, mainly because it's impossible to watch people working out for hours without wanting to do it ourselves. But there are actually quite a few things that irritate me about that show. One moment, F.J. Let me spit out my Extra dessert flavored gum and grab a Yoplait, with many flavors that are only 100 calories. Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes. One of the issues I have with that show is that of clothing choice. Early in the competition, the female contestants are put on display, with just a sports bra and some tight shorts. As they begin to take on a more average build, the wardrobe changes. They actually show less than when they were obese. I've scratched my head over this for a while and have now come to a conclusion. Those women probably have a ridiculous amount of excess skin from rapid weight loss, especially the ones who have passed a few kiddos through their bodies. Even in the final episode with the big reveal, they all stand with that uncomfortable stance that just screams, I can't move or my Spanx will roll down. Am I saying that they have done something wrong by not being able to lose that skin, or even wearing Spanx to tame it? Absolutely not. I just wish they would complain about it a little more on national television. Why? Because it's the truth. And when I get down to my goal weight and will undoubtedly have areas that still look like my mother had a a secret affair with the Michelin man nine months before I came on the scene, I want to know that it's normal! Even at eleven pounds down, I am surprised at the funky ways my body has chosen to change. For example, all of that weight loss is only in my face and my toes. Nothing in between has shown a substantial change, except the now distorted butterfly tattoo you decided to get on our shoulder, Fat Jesse. I want others to be real with me about how much it stinks to get an out-of-shape body into shape. So I commit to do the same for others. No deceptive 'after' pictures. No pretending that things come easily to me that simply don't. And there is no way I will ever make it into the Heidi Klum Klub. You're required to lose your pregnancy weight within 30 minutes of having a baby to get in. I personally believe she kidnapped those kids. Someone should look into that. But I digress, F.J. I must remember, above all, to be honest with myself...er, with you, I guess. It took years of bad habits to get this way. And this is going to be hard. Period.


Humility

Feel the burn!

Human beings are hilarious. We can have an accomplishment under our belt for all of two seconds before we become full-blown experts. I would need an abacus to figure out how many people I've met who got on a very high horse the moment the scale gave them that ultimate number. Why an abacus and not a calculator? Because an abacus burns more calories. Use your head, F.J. We're trying to lose weight here. So what do you do when your pal is up there on their freshly brushed high horse, when months ago they exceeded the weight limit to ride any horse? I wish I knew. I guess all I can do is control how I treat people throughout the whole process. Anyone who knows me well can testify to the fact that this will not be easy for me. I am incredibly bossy, super pushy, and a know-it-all to a fault. And that's what I do when I love someone! Which brings us to our honorable mention H-word....


Helpfulness

My heart would drop to my cankles if anyone that I love read the above and thought that I might be talking about them. The truth is that the abacus count that I have done (and burned 9 calories!) consists mainly of people that didn't even know me well enough to be advising me on such matters. I have a gaggle of family and friends who have offered me so much help and advice to push me to succeed. They've taught me proper form to prevent injury, shared their research with me, and told me how much things were going to hurt. The point that I'm trying to make, Fat Jesse, is that when you share your experiences with people using honesty and humility as your standard, you become helpful.

Always Alliterative,
New Jesse, -11 lbs

Abacus Image: nuchylee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net